Getting Real

I know sometimes...ok...a majority of the time my posts are, well, fluff. A gripe here about music, a detail about a recipe we like, or how we've gone about setting up our learning space in the new home. And perhaps I've done that because I've wanted to evade getting real on my blog. Being real, being honest leaves one wide open, vulnerable.

Anyway, the other day I was responding to an e-mail an Elizabeth Ministry friend from our former parish had sent, seeing how I was doing. For once, instead of self-editing for fear of becoming too vulnerable, I was honest how I was doing. Since she would like to pass my e-mail along to the pastor to help him understand the effects miscarriage has on mothers (and families), I may as well post what I wrote to her here. So here goes:

Emotionally, I still feel kind of...neither here nor there. I'm deeply saddened and find myself kind of envious of women I see with newborns or sporting a pregnant belly. I yearn to snuggle a tiny baby even though I have my own sweet two year old at home. I know all of this is normal. One difference between this spontaneous miscarriage and the first one is that I'm still nursing Cate. Having that connection helps me feel less...empty. With the first loss, I had intentionally weaned Lizzy weeks before losing the baby. After that, I vowed (to myself) that I would *never* intentionally wean a child and would continue to nurse through other pregnancies. So, I'm able to hold her close, gaze at her, snuggle her, and nourish her, which all helps me feel grounded and less lost.

I think also that because I was able to hold Jerome, to check him out--finger, toes, eyes, nose, ears, genitals (so tiny)--it made it less of a shock. With the middle miscarriage, which was fetal demise at 17 weeks, we tried to wait for a miscarriage to occur spontaneously, which was very difficult. I wound up consenting to a D&E, a procedure identical to an abortion, except that *our* baby was dead. Never getting to hold him (his body was not intact), to be sure HE was a BOY, to know him in that way was such a wrenching, sad thing. There will be that hole in my heart forever.

I think sometimes people treat miscarriage lightly because they don't understand what all is involved. "It's just a miscarriage...it's not like you gave birth." It's important to remember that even earlier miscarriages involve a significant amount of blood loss, and it may be a process that takes place over a number of days. The physical demands may not be identical to birth, but it still places quite a toll on one's body. A mom who has miscarried still needs the help a postpartum mom needs but she may feel strange asking for that help because, after all, "It's just a miscarriage..." Know what I mean? So, when ministering to a mom who has miscarried, it's important to find out if she had a lot of blood loss, if she's eating well with the right kinds of foods, and if she *Isn't* feeling better around 5-6 days, suggest she call her doctor and go in. Then offer help with meals, light housekeeping, or childcare. Some dads might think it's OK to leave her home after a day or so, and that might be the time when she needs the most help. I'm fortunate to have Matt here all the time, so I was able to call on him when I needed something. I just could not imagine going through this, the loss and the recovery, without help.

Anyway, I am finding great comfort in knowing that our loss has helped others to understand things about miscarriage and having respect for life. The people in the ER didn't know that it was OK to take your baby's remains back home with you to arrange for burial. I knew this because I had informed myself on the laws Ohio has regarding the death of babies before and after births. So, now the ER at the hospital (and the OB resident) know that a miscarried baby, lost prior to 20 weeks, can be taken back home. I think most folks must leave their babies there to determine the cause of the loss, not knowing there is an alternative. And the medical staff who would use the term "products" or "fetus" to refer to our baby, and my husband correcting them by using the word "baby". Who knows whose heart was touched that night because we view our child as a human being and not as "tissue"? I'm pretty sure this was a first time thing for our young priest, also. But he was so kind and said just the right words to help us heal (saying that although Jerome's life was short, perhaps his mission in his short time was to remind us *all* how precious life is).

So, yeah, I'm doing OK. I'm sure I'll have my moments, but with God's grace I'll get through them. :-)

I will say, with each passing day, with that God-given grace, I've been able to see such brightness in my life, such incredible blessings. The blessing of friendship this past week has been so wonderful. Not only was I able to meet and connect with Erin, but I also spent another day with a local homeschooling friend with whom I share a lot in common, and one other day I was visited by another Elizabeth Ministry friend. My husband had to travel to California for the week, but God gave me just what I needed in Matt's absence! Even little things like receiving a sympathy card from a fellow homeschooling mom whom I haven't seen for months...just an overwhelming outpouring of love. I've also been blessed with being able to appreciate my home and my family so much more; taking the time to look out on the woods behind the house to breathe deep while the sqeals and squabbles of normal childhood go on inside. It's as though the scales have been lifted from my eyes! And I mustn't forget about the Church, which is my refuge, and the daily re-building of my faith.

God is so good.